My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
