There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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