My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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