Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
