things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
