Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
