I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
