i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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