Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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