I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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