It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
