I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
