It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He shit in the fireplace
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
