My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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