hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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