don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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