I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
