you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
