I am spending my child support on dildos
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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