they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
