I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
