I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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