so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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