I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Verdict: uncircumcised.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
