My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
