i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
