After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
