I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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