If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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