Ketchup is God's man juice
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize