She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
