I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
