I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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