True but thats because hes a fetus.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
