Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
there is glitter all over my balls
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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