I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
