At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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