at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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