dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
