i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize