i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
