fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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