Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
