did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
