I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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