just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
