it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
