All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
