so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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