she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
