Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
