we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
