I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
