fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize