I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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