you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
