Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
