'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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