it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
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