Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
