Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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